FLESH AND FREQUENCIES
Once Clear Sea:
I was just swimming in the tides imposed on me from every single side. And you were glistening like shiny metals tacked and perfectly aligned. When I, decided to move in and push myself in part, you, knew you’re mind was glued and dimly lit right from the start.
I was a single man in seas of boys who you gave the upper hand. Though my pants and my shirt was tight to you he looked cuter that night. And you, threw me a bone or two to chew when I left you at home. And I, had to pry my way through what we should have left alone.
I found out you betrayed me then. To question now all those you called a friend. And with my stable mind I saw the end, but pushed it that way, I pushed it that way, I pushed it that way, to have it that way, and leave your strength in my arms.
You woke when the morning alarm came on. Sun was down on our voyage till dawn. Sun still down when you made it back home, but then you needed some time alone.
I was, just digging in the dirt in search for worms, and anything that squirmed. Seemingly, while you were off at work, no strength, abused, in fancy maroon shirts. When I, found it in myself to move ahead, not put things on the shelf, while you, worked nearly half to death, I must confess, you fell into a hole-
Where nothing but your chosen thoughts, defined the things you felt and felt you lost. When a smile for me was all my caring cost. But you weren’t happy. No you weren’t happy. Though you seemed happy, you acted happy, for all those charmed girls and boys.
You hid in a distant haze, dishing what I should not have let phase me, the struggles were yours to arrange, into a state that would not cause you pain.
A silver lining in your point of view, would not have sheltered you. What would’s a mystery to, a boy a with heart and soul to spread aloud, didn’t make you come around, you knocked it to the ground. And so you left me with no way to win. And turned to him.
I found out you had betrayed me then. Now ending the road on which we were friends. And where my story starts for you it ends, I hope you’re happy, if you’re not happy, I pray you’re happy, if you aren’t happy, cuz’ I picked up and went.
I left everything behind me. Off to tunnels and bridges winding. Over sideways along this wide journey. Showing me what I never dreamt I’d see. I fell in love in a day, it was done in three. With snow fall, pub crawls, and friends with Melanie. Walks through unchartered territory, has stirred the sands in my once clear sea.
I was explaining to the world that you were just a little girl but what big bite you had. And I had nothing up my sleeves sept for this sense that I believed I had fallen in deep. And as the world fell into line, all of my insides turned to wine and to a sacred place, I thought, I’d finally found. But I was rightfully so wrong, I couldn’t have even begun to pull my head out of the sand by the time that
Destroyed me where I stood, as to take it. Lead me into your light, just to fake it. When all that I had done for you was just reflect every- Promise that you had shared, just between us. Told me it was a front, you’re not promiscuous. When all that I had done this time was within reason.
So I was forced to get in line, to walk the labyrinth one more time, the place I so despised. Telling me this time would be right, this time would not end up a fright, you would be with me there, to see, my sense of dignity- Of which you spoiled. When you so quickly up and bailed on what had not even been my plans all along. I was left with a foul taste, you did not leave behind a trace of any honesty you claimed to be made of and-
Don’t tell it to my head, it’s adjusted. If you turn to me again, I wont trust it. Cuz’ the water in your soul has dried and you’ve rusted. Remember what you did, start to finish. You tried to lure me in, I resisted. Cut me from my celibacy to fall in your pit.
Searching For Love:
Oh, they’ll let you go. And then they’ll say what everyone knows is part of a plan, achieve what you can’t, don’t borrow don’t break or steal your reason just take what’s there, you’ll need it. To, guide you along, you’ll slight it and jab when you can’t grow wrong, preemptively climb such heights that you’ll scale to find, you’re already at the top, if you loose your step it’s not that-
Bad in the end, loosing a friend, and taking them back anyway. The mindless will fall, those thinking will stall, to lift the weight won’t wipe the mess away.
So, fortunes we find, the tellers design then they call next in line, not wasting a moment’s haste for they’re bound to taste all the dreams that we have made up, while wrestling to save up. Terms, tons and tons learned, with nothing to stand by, nothing we’ve earned don’t add it up now, those first will come down to teach you the truth from what they’ve prospered and held until it’s shattered.
So farm any nerve, get what you’re served, you’ll live just to tell of your feat. They’re burning it down but we’re growing around, foundations that you thought we’d never breach.
Cuz’ you were out searching for love but you’ve gotta stand up to see it, you’ve gotta stand up to see it, up to see it. And you thought that you were above, but you’ve gotta fall down to feel it, you’ve gotta fall down to feel it, down to feel it.
I Was The Ghost:
Don't you know you chase it up a hill? Something so sweet you can almost feel, it evaporate inside your mouth, spreading apart as you joust. Every thought from left to right inside. Baring all so little you can hide. Keep your head up while you're on this ride, you dream of something to boast.
When the bell tolls it's began. Great the sun then onto your little hen. Snatch her up and keep it in your hands, not to cut slack once again. Don't you let it stray too far. Check your face through etchings in the bar mirror. Once you know you've up and sealed it in don't blink or stumble or slip-
She'll see. And all that you grieved when you were a pointless man, not built for pleasing such lambs. Of God. Good grace. So suave. Petite and tender lines.
Then you know you have it all right there, she's out on your deck in her underwear. Such a quenching sight you plight, dashing and scrambling right to where you think you're supposed to be, readying yourself for your near feat. But looking in her eyes you can only seem to find the man you designed-
A breed. A cheap pedigree, bounced back on her golden skin, curdling all within your flow, abandon boats. Because I was the ghost.
Little spawning garden keeper, between your legs I've become such a reaper. The light in you is hard to reach, while blinded by flesh in this triviality. Your bliss it flows so free. But I'm nothing in port, hear it crash as it passes through me.
I was just scared, to act in such error, thus saw only one degree of what you offered me. To boast, to flaunt this host. But see I was the ghost.
Dear Cynthia, your mother's a joke and your father just croaked. You'll pack it up, set voyage yourself, and leave the rest on the shelf. And you'll spend, all the change, that you made, on the makeup you hate, to put on, you apply by yourself at the mall.
You're last in line, when models they shine, in the glass, of the stores. You feel like crap. You can't dress like that, or they'd call you a whore. And the clock, it is ticking away. Brainless spenders, they start to retreat, you reluctantly head for the street.
The chapters will unfurl, as you need them. Far, from your mother's home, you will pray till the sun comes out. Don't trust that boy you know, he's not worth it. Keep to yourself or you'll find, the cycle will begin, like your mother and father back then.
Dear Cynthia, you had no control, when life dished you this roll. You can't change that, and I know that it's crap, but I want you to know, that you have all the time in the world. And you'll learn, quickly what to ignore, and the things to endure, as you grow, up a wonderful girl.
Where The Road Leads
You’ll always have to hold the weight. I started thinking it’s not right that day. Well you went out and I grew thin. Clinging to you because you had to cling to him.
And now the curtains have been drawn. And all my guts admit they were not wrong. To turn a vision clear to dark. To paint a picture that you smeared with half you art.
But on that afternoon away. It would have never stayed. We arrived on the same plane but we headed separate ways. If only for a moment’s time, we stood upon this line not knowing what we’d find but trusting it’s design that lead me right onto to your door.
To ask for nothing more. But that you have the place and space you can explore such burning desires to, do what you want to do. While trampling the boy who you could not keep from you’re-
Side all along. The one to whom you belonged. The one who sang you songs and sold you love before you bailed, on him to welcome me in, and held out both your hands. I should have looked both ways shouldn’t have crossed the lands. But I believed your feelings were true, and followed you.
And now it’s breathing down my neck. As much fun as we had still something lacked. To drive a loving boy to shame, deprive the other one until he went insane.
But if I hadn’t come that day. I would have never seen, you walking with him then when you said that you were clean. Would not have given you the time, my heart, the love, my mind. So clear then we’d find, but I hardly could believe it lead me, back out through your door.
To ask for nothing more. But that you have the place and space you can explore such burning desires to, do what you want to do. While trampling the boy who you could not keep from you’re-
Side all along. The one to whom you belonged. The one who sang you songs and sold you love before you bailed, on him to welcome me in, and held out both your hands. I should have looked both ways should not have crossed that lands. But I believed your feelings were true, and followed. Still wish that there was something I could do to let you know. And where the road leads out there let me know. And where the road leads out there let me know.
Genteel nature had gone astray, any known man would soon agree. The hour had arrived that I find my home. I was desperate and I was blind, never thought that I'd soon resign the waning days and empty nights of longing.
To find you in the breadth of day, all of my prior thoughts astray. To open up these chambers that I'd been told, were rusted, shouldn't pry apart, long given up before I'd started. I was waking up to a winter's girl.
So it started to grow clear, I had been meant to find out here, assurance that all longings achieve their goals. As every place I'd dreamt to see, formed in this new reality, the dream took shape in dress red and milk white tone.
She met me at the party there, hesitant words bore no more fear. Projected into ether not yet known. In a storybook or a subway ride, ran along streets until we found it, I'd fallen in love with the winter's girl.
Tilt back the poison, when you say this boy's in, over his own head, man he's got no role- bothering a lady, don't you see it's crazy, to think that what you felt ever touched her soul?
But I saw you in the subway square, standalone grace and your auburn hair, and found you there at chance before I did part. It was all I needed to help me find the once again solo heart of mine, that safely stowed away for the trip back home.
But now if I peak deeply inside, something else in my chest does lie, it wasn't there before, and it's changed all I know. Cuz’ each and every hope we seek, can one day be a reality, as I did fall in love with a winter's girl.
Open The Door:
I will not, hope as I pray for the answers the way that they come is just destined in time. Once they spoke, talking of reasons that I could not control. So I wept, I played and lost focus, presented with that which had dwarfed all the rest and turned my back. To resign, the visions of that which had carried me in time. But they would not subside.
Cuz’ I cannot tell you how long I have known, that the lights will stay on even after the storm. And it may beat us down, smash the sound, start over new. But it can’t seem to change this one thing we must do.
I was young still expecting to reach all the things we designed every place that I wanted to be. To hold it all, forever inside and not get lost out on the ride. When all along, I knew what I’d need but I’d chosen not to take the path before me just to see. I turned away, and twisted my days to get lost out in a maze. And kept so far from safe.
Cuz’ I cannot tell you how long it has shown, that deep in my heart there’s a place I have known. And it may break away, or make the day, the choice is our own. But it’s only when it is dark that the light guides us home.
And you are the light that fills me inside, yea you were the only place that I can hide. But you wanted more from inside of my world, in a life I knew in another form. Cuz’ I was just dancing away there, till you lit up my days. We did all we could yea we stashed it away, and now we hold on tight, as we start to sway.
And when you run away, run away, take me with you. Cuz’ I cannot bear to see what else we’d do. And though we’re bashed around, we’re batten down, to see this thing through.
Cuz’ there’s still hope in a feeling that we’ll never loose. Though the seasons will change it will not be cut loose. Cuz’ it’s from the decay that our garden shall bloom.
And I will not pray for that day anymore. It’s here now we’ve opened the door.
You had me breaking down the door for it. You had me shaking all my senses, baby come on. You lead me down I had a choice in it. You told me why you had such fences to fend off the court.
And now it’s breathing up my back yea. This melody as sweet as wine and the devils afoot. When you weren’t looking he crept passed you. To teach me lessons made of-
Vapor and soot. That used to blind all of my truth. But I felt your world here within me now to stir it up front we’re waking up we’re waking up.
Now don’t go back into those dead trees. The one’s they smothered you so steadily long ago. They are decaying shattered passes. They will wash away when the sun melts the winters snow.
So I found this, buried in my heart and it’s breaking down all the walls for me. Don’t take everything as truth that you’ll need. Cuz’ you can’t define what you feel you can’t design this trust. The source is love the source is love.
You will gracefully be set free, from me and my time in such a pointless line spent in my mind of broken lots and litter boxes.
Take It From Me:
Oh can it be that you are not what you seemed, that you fell somewhere, into the cracks, and couldn’t get yourself back out in time to reach a safe distance from where we parted.
And clearly that day you directed it at me, so that enough was bared, for you to shed, some lingering attachments that you could not ride without confiding in another. And you left me there with those images just to smother. I was finding peace but then I had to run for cover.
It was a pointless cloud. And your rain it pattered down. But it didn’t make me wet. I just had to forget. All the things you said we’d do. Cuz’ they were not true for you. I was talking to a wall. But it did not make me stall.
It’s off in the breeze, such a lingering disease, laid in ruins now, of crystal towers, we climbed but never thought we had to climb back down so when they broke we hit the ground.
It was over like that, and your sweets had left me fat, on your cunny juice, and tied up treats, concealed inside an envelope marked only for your ready virgin eyes to see. Now it’s postmarked and sprawled out for anyone to read. To tell of days gone by like strolls into the park-
Summer feet on the beach, staying up until dawn. Was hard just to breath and believe we were actually gone. Running fast away from our snares. Stepping into a place we had not prepared for. In time we would see this to be something we would not need. Regardless of such truths we built what we had and agreed, that there was nothing like, it before. And for the rest of our lives, we’d remember the way that it was, till you gave up that trust.
Don’t you think of me when you are stuck behind closed doors. Cuz’ I won’t be there when your man turns out to be a bore.
But it happened once. So it could happen again. And you’d be right back where, you started back then. I don’t mean to compromise, your actions or your dreams, I just hope someday, that you will find yourself free. So won’t you take it from me. Oh just take it from me.
Find What's Here To Be Known:
Try not to take this seriously. We’ll end up so delirious when, we carve our paths into the sea, to question our humanity. Don’t tell another flagrant line. Don’t offer me a wasted mind. What’s meant will happen in due time. What’s left is not for you and I, to begin, to reason, when what’s here right now is happening and-
I don’t want this world, to be as I have known it should. To such a state where we can be sure. There’s things we’ll never know, till they’re here, and happening to me.
Our minds are led to questioning. When every state of destiny, the world had planned has gone away. Don’t cling to them you’re finally free. They won’t tell you to tread carefully. But they’ll promise things you’ll never see. A hazy view, some fantasy, a crazed imagined place you’ll be. Don’t give in, you’ll feed them, till they’re taking what they can from you and-
I don’t want to become lost in their insanity. Till every truth we have is set free. There’s worlds we’ll never know, till they’re here, and happening, we’ll finally see and-
I don’t want this love, to be like other loves before. To such a state where we can grow, and find what’s here to be known. We’ll find what’s here to be known.
This song was written about a relationship in which I was lied to and cheated on. The beginning and middle point out the lies that were fed to me, and as the song progresses I express my desire to deny this reality. Lines like “I was just digging in the dirt in search of worms and anything that squirmed” depict my struggle to find the truth, buried within the dirt and grime that was fed to me in lies.
I would drive this person to work early in the morning to help them out, where they were scheduled overtime hours and staying out late. This lead to them becoming depressed. What I ended up finding out, through the help of honest roommates in the house we shared, was that the ‘overtime’ and ‘depression’ were actually fronts. I came to find out she’d been seeing a coworker behind my back and everything made sense at last.
We ended it and I was free from the angst it had caused. I traveled to visit one of my brothers in Canada in a small town called Guelph. From there I visited friends in Montreal as well as New York. And it was in New York that the experience I had which influenced the song ‘Winter’s Girl’ took place. This is referenced in the lines “I fell in love in a day, it was done in three.”
In the end this journey was the perfect remedy for a bad breakup. It was not only detoxing, but it also propelled me into a space in which I felt my strength and self worth return. I realized I was more in love with life than ever before.
Rusted is about meeting someone who I thought I was in love with. I entered with caution and skepticism, and quickly my emotions grew. This person not only instigated the whole thing, but reassured me several times that they were as into me as I was into them. I told them I had reservations. They told me not to have them.
It was through this experience that I learned a valuable lesson. React to what someone does, not what they say. Had I just given it more time, everything would have played out and revealed to me that this person was not in the place they claimed to be, and was not ready for what it was they wanted with me.
They more or less backed out, after pulling me in, just as I dropped my guard entirely. It made for a nasty combination and in the end, I lost tremendous amounts of respect for this person.
It helped me see that the whimsical aspect of love that sweeps us off our feet is not actually what matters, and can distract and disillusion us. It's longevity, truth, and understanding that counts.
Searching for love explains the process we go through in life as we try to get to where we want to be. The lines, “fortunes we find, the tellers design then call next in line,” can be interpreted as either fortune tellers, like a psychic medium, or, it can be interpreted as bank tellers, with the word ‘fortune’ referring to a large sum of money. Both interpretations express the same message which is that the future is fleeting, and no one can control you or tell you how it will turn out.
Higher eduction is referred to in the lines, “terms, tons and tons learned, with nothing to stand by nothing we’ve earned”. This can again be interpreted financially, as in no monetary gain has come from a higher education, or, that simply educating oneself towards a particular degree can in itself have no worth, depending on the degree and it’s practicality.
“They’re burning it down but we’re growing around, foundations that they thought we’d never breach”, implies that the old ways are dying, and that we are finding our own new ways to succeed, contrary to what society says we should do. Which brings us to the remedying lines of the outro.
This is about a hypothetical one night stand. In the beginning a sense of longing and desire, and attraction is explained in the words, “chase it up a hill, something so sweet you can almost feel”. It portrays a man who is longing for a woman, but he is desperate and willing to sacrifice his own truths and sense of self in order to achieve his goal. “Check your face through etchings in the bar mirror,” refers to his sense of vanity in the middle of their date as he’s on a bathroom break, analyzing his own appearance in a shoddy dive bar mirror that’s etched with graffiti.
He says the right things and acts the right way, with the crowning moment being when he realizes she’s undressed down to her underwear. They make love and although all seems well on her end, he realizes he’s a shell of who he truly means to be, and that he wasted his time with a pointless goal in mind. Without a true sense of one’s self, intimacy is vapid and can lack a real connection.
It’s while they are making love that he comes to this understanding, and in turn realizes he’s nothing, like a ghost, who carries no true substance because he didn’t follow a path that was true to himself. The final lines explain that he only went into this out of insecurity, to prove something to himself, and that he also only saw this woman as an object to fulfill his own desires and ego.
The story behind this song was inspired when I was sitting at a cafe, looking out the window, and saw a young homeless girl, likely in her late teens, putting on makeup. She held a sign asking for money and looked like she was traveling.
There was something bizarre and oddly intriguing about seeing someone who was seeking the basic necessities of clean clothes, shelter, and food, as they applied makeup. But there was this incredible resilience in it as well. I couldn’t help but see power, strength, and determination in her actions. I felt this overwhelming desire to support her.
It inspired a story about a girl her age named Cynthia, who decides to leave her family home after being treated terribly by both her parents. She heads out to make it on her own. The end is a message of hope and promise, and a recognition of that sense of resilience I felt from the person who inspired Cynthia’s story.
Keeping in line with the theme, this song was written about a bad situation involving a romantic partner. I was seeing someone who had recently broken up with someone else. They were more or less making room for me by pushing this other person out of their romantic hemisphere. They began to communicate again with their original partner after we started seeing each other. They claimed they would let me know when or if they communicated with them, and for a while they actually shared with me all of this information.
I continued to reassure them that if they desired to, they could just be with this person, and to let me know so I could situate myself in a way that wouldn’t result in any damage being caused. They assured me that things between us were fine, and that they had no desire to be with this other person.
Again, I trusted words, not actions. And on valentines day of all days, I was passing by their home, to surprise them, after they had texted me to say they were home alone and feeling under the weather. No one answered the door when I knocked, and as I turned to leave I witnessed them with their original partner, walking in a dress with flowers back towards the house.
In the end it was revealed to me that in spite of having given them the option to be with this person so long as they simply told me about it, they decided to do so anyway, but not to tell me. There was no saving grace and I simply got myself as far away from them as I could.
This is based on a true story that I experienced when I was visiting NYC in 2010 on my ‘Once Clear Sea’ journey. Part of my trip was a small venture down from Canada to New York where an uncle and a friend lived.
I met someone at a party who at first I thought was cute. As we started talking, an energy swept over me that I’d never felt before. It was like everything I’d ever known until that time just stopped. It froze, and melted away. All that remained was me, and this other person.
It didn’t go away. Every further interaction we had for the rest of my trip was exactly the same. It was absolutely compelling and completely overwhelming. I wanted to see this person one last time before I left, because all at once I realized that I had fallen in love, and that this was what falling in love was.
I was full of angst before I took the last subway ride back to my uncle’s house as I would leave the next morning at 6 am. I swore to my uncle if I didn’t see this person one last time before I left it would define my outlook on fate, and the universe. Five minutes later, as I entered the subway station, I heard someone laughing and turned to see that she was directly behind me.
We said a quick goodbye, and that was that. It was exactly what I needed. To me, that was the universe’s way of saying true love is absolutely real and it will find you, when you are ready.
Open the door is a song of rebirth. It was written after the string arrangements were recorded onto After Abernethy. I was invigorated with a new energy and inspired by a sense of not letting go of my truth. It was like a tidal wave of bliss to be back on the path that I was meant to be on, when it came to my music.
“To resign the visions of that which would carry me in time, but they would not subside,” is to say there are parts of us we cannot change, ever, no matter how hard we try, and we simply have to follow them to fruition. Never give up. Never back down. It’s a simple message, but was resonating with me in a very strong way then.
I also had a good friend at the time who had just been through some very, very difficult times and was sort of just stepping back into a place of light. I wrote the melody and some of this song while sitting on her porch. The lines, “It’s from the decay that our garden shall bloom,” was a message of hope in response to her struggles. It was a simple way of saying from death comes life, and that things would be okay.
Put quite simply, shattered passes is about a girl who I was friends with and wanted more to happen with, but it didn’t happen. It expresses the angst I felt because of this. But it was one of those things where we both sort of knew, and she kind of teased me a bit, in hindsight.
But at one point we did connect a bit on that deeper level, and it was the next day that this song burst out of me, almost weaving itself. She had been through things I know caused her to be hesitant on an intimate level with anyone, and this is what i’m referring to with the lines “Don’t go back into those dead trees... they will wash away”. My message was to say that what we had was certainly clean, and healthier than those prior negative experiences, and kind of that there was nothing really to fear. The final lines are self defeating, putting myself back into a place of self loathing, and implying it’s not necessary to be more than friends anyway because I'm not worth it.
Written after another break up, Take It From Me tells the story of a particularly tough split, as we’d been together for nearly a year. I found out that they liked someone else, near the end of our relationship. Trusting them, I told them it’s how or whether someone acts on their feelings that counts. We decided to stay together and remained exclusive.
Then they disappeared for about 24 hours. They didn’t answer their phone or respond to texts. We were planning on going on a hike together and they just up and stopped responding. I found them the next day outside of their dance class, and just knew it was over at that point. We walked, talked, broke up, and they told me the break up had nothing to do with this person they liked. I asked if they were potentially going to become romantic with this person and they said no.
Then, they made me look them in the eye. They said “Do you trust me?”. I responded, even though my gut totally disagreed with me, with "yes". I made myself surrender my doubt, and believed them.
Less than a week later a photo of them being romantic with this new person popped up on facebook. I only wish they had had the decency to just say, "I'm not sure, maybe I will be romantic with this person, maybe not", as oppose to forcing me to trust their lies. That's what hurt the most.
That was that. I didn’t know what to do, so I began writing Take It From Me literally in the moment. It captures the intensity I was feeling.
What I hope to be my last failed and or negative relationship inspired this song. It’s the last song on the album, as well as the last song I wrote for the album. I wrote it in an effort to write a love song, but it didn’t turn out that way. The truth of my relationship with this person as well as more universal ideas ended up coming through.
In the end, this song is about discontent, but a strange surrender to it at the same time. It’s a song of pleading, of seeking the truth. I realized that what I was longing for was actually my own truth, and my own strength as an individual.
By the end of my journey, through all these relationships that spanned six years, I came to the realization that you have to figure yourself out, and either become or be actively striving to become your best self, before you can turn around and find happiness with another individual.